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Organizing safe and sane chemsparties
Written by «Casper»
Foto: Einar Hyndøy
Written by «Casper»
Foto: Einar Hyndøy
«Casper» is a gay man in his forties and an experienced host of chemsex parties. He has written an informative article on behalf of Chemfriendly Norge, on how to organize safe and sane chemsex parties.
Around nine years ago, my boyfriend (who's now my husband) and me started to organise chemsparties at our home. We had been going to quite a few already, in the Netherlands and abroad. Though they all shared the main ingredient (combining sex with a wide range of chems), we found out quickly that every party was quite different. The diversity of guests, the hosts, the ambiance, the setting, the music/videos etc…. Everything contributed to the vibe in the room, and every party had a different mix of these things. We had enough experience to know what we liked and what not. And enough responsibility to make safety our top priority.
Too often we witnessed people overdosing, people passing out or worse. So when we were planning on hosting these parties ourselves, we sat down and made a list of things we felt were important.
It's been nine years since we made this list, and we still use it when we host a chemsparty. It's proven to be very helpful and it helps create a safer and more relaxed vibe. Guests at our parties often say that the atmosphere is much better than most of the parties they usually go to. They feel welcome, they feel very visible and they feel safe.
I like to share it with you, because I sincerely think it contains a lot of things that can improve your chemsparties too:
It's been nine years since we made this list, and we still use it when we host a chemsparty. It's proven to be very helpful and it helps create a safer and more relaxed vibe. Guests at our parties often say that the atmosphere is much better than most of the parties they usually go to. They feel welcome, they feel very visible and they feel safe.
I like to share it with you, because I sincerely think it contains a lot of things that can improve your chemsparties too:
We try to party with a group of people that share some fetishes, people that have matching do's and dont's.
1. The guest list
We choose the initial guest list with great care. It's mainly people we already know.
Friends, guys we met on other parties etc. Sometimes someone new is added, but then it's somebody that one of the guests already knows. We try to party with a group of people that share some fetishes, people that have matching do's and dont's. It's a ticket to drama when for instance there are guests who like to slam while other guests are principally against it, or that one guest who was so looking forward to a nice and vanilla sex night, floating on XTC, suddenly finds himself surrounded by rough fisters. If you know your guests, you can make sure this doesn't happen. We avoid conflicting characters. No drama, not in my house. This works good for us and for our guests, and another advantage is that the parties are always different.
We choose the initial guest list with great care. It's mainly people we already know.
Friends, guys we met on other parties etc. Sometimes someone new is added, but then it's somebody that one of the guests already knows. We try to party with a group of people that share some fetishes, people that have matching do's and dont's. It's a ticket to drama when for instance there are guests who like to slam while other guests are principally against it, or that one guest who was so looking forward to a nice and vanilla sex night, floating on XTC, suddenly finds himself surrounded by rough fisters. If you know your guests, you can make sure this doesn't happen. We avoid conflicting characters. No drama, not in my house. This works good for us and for our guests, and another advantage is that the parties are always different.
2. Communication
We have a standard text message we send to the party guests a few days before the party. The text contains a welcome, a small what-to-expect, our house-rules and some addition info on parking/address/phone number etc.
When during the party an additional invitation is sent through Grindr or similar dating apps (only after approval from the hosts), this welcome text is also being sent to them through WhatsApp only. We never exchange this info on an anonymous dating app. If people don't wish to share at least their phone number, then they're not invited. We need some info on the people in our house.
We have a standard text message we send to the party guests a few days before the party. The text contains a welcome, a small what-to-expect, our house-rules and some addition info on parking/address/phone number etc.
When during the party an additional invitation is sent through Grindr or similar dating apps (only after approval from the hosts), this welcome text is also being sent to them through WhatsApp only. We never exchange this info on an anonymous dating app. If people don't wish to share at least their phone number, then they're not invited. We need some info on the people in our house.
We provide a wide range of drinks but at chemsparties we don't serve alcohol.
3. What chems?
Some drugs can bring out the worst in people, and some are simply too risky.
Some drugs can bring out the worst in people, and some are simply too risky.
We make it clear to our guests what chems make us feel uncomfortable and ask them not to bring them into our house.
We provide a wide range of drinks (water, different kinds of soda, energy drinks, fruit juice, tea, coffee) but at chemsparties we don't serve alcohol. Alcohol and chems usually don't go together very well, so why take the risk?
We don't serve it, and the guests can't bring it. Period.
We provide a wide range of drinks (water, different kinds of soda, energy drinks, fruit juice, tea, coffee) but at chemsparties we don't serve alcohol. Alcohol and chems usually don't go together very well, so why take the risk?
We don't serve it, and the guests can't bring it. Period.
4. The setting
We transform our living room into a big playing area with a sling. We have multi coloured lights, a big screen with (pre-selected) porn and the right music. We make sure there's enough towels and lube. There's more than enough room for our guests, and we ask them to keep all the action inside the playing area. That means no people sneaking off for a one-on-one in one of the bedrooms, the garden or elsewhere.
We transform our living room into a big playing area with a sling. We have multi coloured lights, a big screen with (pre-selected) porn and the right music. We make sure there's enough towels and lube. There's more than enough room for our guests, and we ask them to keep all the action inside the playing area. That means no people sneaking off for a one-on-one in one of the bedrooms, the garden or elsewhere.
If you go outside for a smoke in the garden, you get dressed. We like to see you naked, but I'm sure our neighbours do not. The same goes for the noise. It might be funny when people are very vocal during sex, but I don't want to receive a textmessage from my upstairs neighbour asking me to tone it down a bit.
The bathroom and toilet have been properly supplied (paper, desinfectant soap, towels etc.) and can be used at all times by anyone. We ask people to keep it clean and tidy.
The bathroom and toilet have been properly supplied (paper, desinfectant soap, towels etc.) and can be used at all times by anyone. We ask people to keep it clean and tidy.
5. Our house, our rules
People who attend our chemsparties are our guests, and we feel responsible for their wellbeing. That means that, while they are under our roof, they should follow a few rules we have, to make it as safe as possible. If they don't, we ask them to leave. It's as simple as that. We have been strict about this from the beginning and it works very well. Guests even say that because of this, they feel safer, they feel 'seen' and it creates a more relaxed atmosphere overall.
6. Safety rules
There are a couple of rules that we want the guests to know about before the party starts. These are all about safety, and non-negotiable. Breaking these rules usually means we ask you to leave:
Discretion
We are discreet, and ask the same of you. Don't take pictures or videos unless everybody on it is okay with it.
People who attend our chemsparties are our guests, and we feel responsible for their wellbeing. That means that, while they are under our roof, they should follow a few rules we have, to make it as safe as possible. If they don't, we ask them to leave. It's as simple as that. We have been strict about this from the beginning and it works very well. Guests even say that because of this, they feel safer, they feel 'seen' and it creates a more relaxed atmosphere overall.
6. Safety rules
There are a couple of rules that we want the guests to know about before the party starts. These are all about safety, and non-negotiable. Breaking these rules usually means we ask you to leave:
Discretion
We are discreet, and ask the same of you. Don't take pictures or videos unless everybody on it is okay with it.
Even then make sure no one is recognizable (no faces). Don't send names or pictures of guests to guys on Grindr (or another dating app) without asking their permission first. Don't send location or address to anyone on a dating app. This information should only be sent via WhatsApp, and only after the host's green light. The reason we use WhatsApp for communication is because this requires everyone giving their phone number. This is a way to be more confident you're dealing with a serious candidate.
Personal belongings
You are responsible for your own belongings. We do have a big safe, where you can put valuable things in if you want. We usually are partying with 10 to 12 guys, and it is impossible for us to keep an eye on everybody all the time (we don't want to either). So it's up to you to make sure your stuff is safe somewhere.
Keep your chems in your bag
Your chems are in your bag, and not spread out visibly on the kitchen counter. After you take some, they go
Personal belongings
You are responsible for your own belongings. We do have a big safe, where you can put valuable things in if you want. We usually are partying with 10 to 12 guys, and it is impossible for us to keep an eye on everybody all the time (we don't want to either). So it's up to you to make sure your stuff is safe somewhere.
Keep your chems in your bag
Your chems are in your bag, and not spread out visibly on the kitchen counter. After you take some, they go
back into your bag again. We check the kitchen regularly, and all glasses with unspecified liquids are emptied in the sink by us, and without warning. It would be a waste if that was your GBL –oops-, but we don't want to take the risk of somebody wanting to wash down a pill and think that glass is filled with water.
The list is indispensable when things go seriously bad and we have to call for an ambulance. It contains all the info the hospital staff needs.
Chems list
No drugs are allowed in the playing area. The kitchen is the place where all things chems-related are taking place. It has enough light, you'll have a better focus there on what you're doing and there's no distraction. In the kitchen we also have a list with all the guests on it. On this list you must write down exactly what you take, the dose, how you take it (orally, slam, booty), and the time you take it. This goes for any chems, including viagra/kamagra which affects the blood pressure. This list is very important. When used properly, it prevents you from accidently overdosing, doing another round too soon or mixing up chems that don't go well together. It provides valuable information in case somebody is feeling unwell. Furthermore, the list is indispensable when things go seriously bad and we have to call for an ambulance. It contains all the info the hospital staff needs.
As hosts, we emphasize the importance of this list and regularly check if our guests wrote down what they took. So, we're not asking, we're telling you to use the list.
No drugs are allowed in the playing area. The kitchen is the place where all things chems-related are taking place. It has enough light, you'll have a better focus there on what you're doing and there's no distraction. In the kitchen we also have a list with all the guests on it. On this list you must write down exactly what you take, the dose, how you take it (orally, slam, booty), and the time you take it. This goes for any chems, including viagra/kamagra which affects the blood pressure. This list is very important. When used properly, it prevents you from accidently overdosing, doing another round too soon or mixing up chems that don't go well together. It provides valuable information in case somebody is feeling unwell. Furthermore, the list is indispensable when things go seriously bad and we have to call for an ambulance. It contains all the info the hospital staff needs.
As hosts, we emphasize the importance of this list and regularly check if our guests wrote down what they took. So, we're not asking, we're telling you to use the list.
Slamming
If you want to slam, we expect you to know how to do it yourself and to be safe and sane. You write the necessary info on the list before you slam.
We have tissues, tourniquets, alcohol for desinfecting and a fully equipped first-aid kit, plus a special container in the kitchen for used syringes. No slamming is allowed in the bathrooms or the toilets. Sharing syringes is a big no.
No locked doors
If you use the bathroom or the toilet, you put on the light and leave the door
If you want to slam, we expect you to know how to do it yourself and to be safe and sane. You write the necessary info on the list before you slam.
We have tissues, tourniquets, alcohol for desinfecting and a fully equipped first-aid kit, plus a special container in the kitchen for used syringes. No slamming is allowed in the bathrooms or the toilets. Sharing syringes is a big no.
No locked doors
If you use the bathroom or the toilet, you put on the light and leave the door
unlocked at all times. In case of an emergency the last thing we need is a locked door, and I would hate to break through a very expensive door just because you ignored the no-locks policy.
No extra invitations
No extra guests invitations during the night without clear approval from either me or my husband. If we are with a small group (up to 6 guys) we decide together. It's the best way to keep a good vibe. Especially when everybody is high as a kite, your ability to make judgement is decreasing which can result in awkward situations we can all do without. We've all been there.
No extra invitations
No extra guests invitations during the night without clear approval from either me or my husband. If we are with a small group (up to 6 guys) we decide together. It's the best way to keep a good vibe. Especially when everybody is high as a kite, your ability to make judgement is decreasing which can result in awkward situations we can all do without. We've all been there.
Respect and consent
We are very openminded and our guests are too. Yet we are each individuals with our own boundaries. Therefor 'respect' and 'consent' are a must. No means no, and stop means stop. Extensive use of chems can make your personal boundaries disappear, and you may end up doing things you'll regret tomorrow. Therefor, use chems safe and sane. A nice sexparty on chems is even nicer when you remember all of it the next day.
We are very openminded and our guests are too. Yet we are each individuals with our own boundaries. Therefor 'respect' and 'consent' are a must. No means no, and stop means stop. Extensive use of chems can make your personal boundaries disappear, and you may end up doing things you'll regret tomorrow. Therefor, use chems safe and sane. A nice sexparty on chems is even nicer when you remember all of it the next day.
The wide availability of PrEP in the gay community makes barebacking (having sex without a condom) more common, especially so in the chemsparty scene. At our parties there's usually bareback sex. However, we have condoms available, and we ask our guests to respect it when somebody wishes to use them.
Looking after each other
As hosts, we participate in the party, just like everybody else. Besides that, we try to keep an eye on everything that's happening because we feel reponsible for your safety and wellbeing. We ask our guests to look after each other too. Shared responsibility adds to the safe and relaxed atmosphere we like to create and guests so often praise.
If, despite our efforts, we feel that a particular guest is not fitting in, causing other people to feel uncomfortable or unsafe, we –discretely- ask that person to leave.
Looking after each other
As hosts, we participate in the party, just like everybody else. Besides that, we try to keep an eye on everything that's happening because we feel reponsible for your safety and wellbeing. We ask our guests to look after each other too. Shared responsibility adds to the safe and relaxed atmosphere we like to create and guests so often praise.
If, despite our efforts, we feel that a particular guest is not fitting in, causing other people to feel uncomfortable or unsafe, we –discretely- ask that person to leave.
If we feel that you are too high to travel alone, we invite you to stay and sleep for a while
7. Closing time
When we feel that the party has passed its height, we tell people that we'll wrap things up in about two hours (or sooner if necessary). This way people can keep it in mind when taking more chems, and slowly get ready for leaving. We want people to be at least sober enough to go home without getting in trouble.
When we feel that the party has passed its height, we tell people that we'll wrap things up in about two hours (or sooner if necessary). This way people can keep it in mind when taking more chems, and slowly get ready for leaving. We want people to be at least sober enough to go home without getting in trouble.
Usually some people stay at our house for a couple of hours sleep. If we feel that you are too high to travel alone, we invite you to stay and sleep for a while. Unfortunately we can't force anyone, but one of the advantages of choosing your guests with care is that you know who you are inviting, and irresponsible behaviour can be filtered out while making the guestlist
We usually ask guests to share their 'live location' when they travel home by car, or text us upon arrival, so we know they got home safe.
We usually ask guests to share their 'live location' when they travel home by car, or text us upon arrival, so we know they got home safe.
"The list has proven to be very helpful and it
helps create a safer and more relaxed vibe"
helps create a safer and more relaxed vibe"
When you look at all of the above, it may seem to be a bit of an overkill, possibly even with a negative effect on spontaneity and vibe.
I can assure you though, after hosting numerous chemsparties at our home, that the opposite is true. It contributes to a safe feeling. Guests know that they are in good and responsible hands, and it will be much easier for them to relax.
In all these years, we never had any problem, and people always like to come again. "You are very well organised", "I feel very much at home and welcome here", "I rarely see this kind of care anywhere at chemsparties, it makes me feel super safe!" are some of the things we get as feedback from our guests.
I can assure you though, after hosting numerous chemsparties at our home, that the opposite is true. It contributes to a safe feeling. Guests know that they are in good and responsible hands, and it will be much easier for them to relax.
In all these years, we never had any problem, and people always like to come again. "You are very well organised", "I feel very much at home and welcome here", "I rarely see this kind of care anywhere at chemsparties, it makes me feel super safe!" are some of the things we get as feedback from our guests.
In the end we all look back to a very good party, and isn't that what it's all about?
You can also read / Les også:
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Publisert 2.11.2021. Oppdatert 25.4.23.